Ask ETK: Flushed Away

Dear Evil Tiny Kitty,

My kitty Raven is obsessed with watching the toilet flush. Whenever I go to flush it, if she can get into the restroom she will run in and hop up on the seat and watch as it flushes down. Why?

Signed,
Porcelain God

Dear Porcelain God,

For some kitties, the siren call of the swirling water is too much for them. The strange white monster makes the noise, but then--wonder of all wonders--the water goes round and round. It disappears and then it is calmly back again. Where does it go to? Is it magic? Why...does...it...swirl? Those are questions many kitties ask themselves. I, for one, have no interest in seeing human waste matter swirling away.

Ew.

Perhaps your kitty has the same *cough* "quirk" as this one:


If you have any RL kitty questions you would like answered, feel free to send them to me inworld or at malegatto[at]gmail.com and I shall enlighten you a bit from a cat's point of view! I also accept pictures of them to feature as well.

Merriment and Mirth for the Holidays

A good holiday to you and yours from Evil Tiny Kitty Laboratories...

Thinking About...Ebenezer Scrooge

I always appreciated Ebenezer's way of thinking: Sticking to his convictions and keeping his minion Cratchit in line, all while shaking his fist in defiance at the world. After all, is that much coal for warmth in the office really necessary? And his stance on workhouses and how to decrease the "surplus population" of the poor? Legendary.

So when I heard that he had been "reformed" I headed over to his place of business to see for myself. His minion Crachit was as chipper as ever, much to my annoyance. However, it was seeing Ebenezer being so "perky" himself that made my kitty stomach turn ever so slightly.

As I sipped my tea I asked him about his recent change of his ways and what brought it about. "Four ghosts? Really?" I asked. "Are you sure you hadn't been sipping much that evening?" He insisted he had not and said that he even saw his old partner Mr Marley. "My God man, what was in your gruel?" I asked. I offered him the name of some experts in spirit removal--as well as that of a psychiatrist--but he declined, saying he was a reformed man. I told him that I would miss our scowling contests (he usually won). He said that I should try being nice, I might like it, to which I said only one word:

"Humbug."

A Rather Interesting Rez Day

I ventured out of the Lab to particpate in Steelhead's Holiday Storytelling Festival and perform my "12 Days of Mad Scientist Christmas" to an appreciative audience...
Lest anyone think I am anti-holiday, I rather enjoy the season and the prospect of gifts of fishies, mice, and doom rays. Not to mention sharks in tanks...sharks not in tanks. It warms my heart, but not as much as the coal I seem to receive instead. My Hidden Paw colleague, ChairmanMe Yowman was there, and engaged The BunnyElf in a round of fisticuffs...I attended the dance afterwards with music presenter Diamanda Gustafson, whose snowflakes were in the form of skulls. I was thrilled. She was also wearing a rather interesting hat...I normally do not like dances, but I checked the calendar and realized it was my rez day. Another year of dodging enemies and friends and I am still here to tell the tale!

Holiday Recitation of the 12 Days of Steampunk Mad Scientist Christmas

Tomorrow, do come out as I shall be caterwauling singing my "12 Days of Steampunk Mad Scientist Christmas" song at the Steelhead Holiday Storytelling Festival. It will be held from 5 - 7 pm SLT at the Steelhead Library Gardens in Steelhead City. I go on at 6:30.

The Elf was so kind as to recite it for me last year. I shall spare him this time. For those of you who would like to follow along, I am reprinting my lyrics here:

The 12 Days of Steampunk Mad Scientist Christmas
by Malegatto Alter

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...a tock lobster in the warehouse
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...two Tesla coils
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...three brass cogs
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...four rubber gloves
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...FIVE BIG AIRSHIPS!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...six mobs a yelling
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...seven folks a screaming
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...eight rats a running
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...nine minions missing
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...ten labs a burning
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...eleven beakers bubbling
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...twelve diff'rence engines

And for the fun of it, my version of "The Christmas Song"...

"Minions falling into an open fire
Police breaking down your door...
Brass robots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to beep tonight..."

Yes Cato, there really is a Santa Claws. See you all tomorrow.

Wandering St Helens

I had some, ahem, "business" to take care of recently so I was away for a while. Upon my return, I thought that I would explore St Helens, Steelhead's latest sim. It seems to be rather rustic...I don't know about all of this fresh air and "nature". Yes, the snow was fluffy and white and I wished to pounce and leap through it, but I heard there are bears about in these parts. Then again, it would be quite the silly bear who would come too close to me...
I did climb the mountain to add my flag to the other "claims"...

The Elf Made Me Do It

Many of the children from Babbage have recently immigrated to Steelhead and are staying in Miss Razor's hostel in Boomtown. These little humans seem to be a rather lively lot and are very intrigued by my squiddy thing. I would much advise them to behave regarding it, lest it sees them as "snacks." One of these scamps had become lost in the woods the other week and injured himself quite badly. Dr Beck, who is our resident physician was unavailable when a distress call from them for help came out.

"Are you not a doctor?" The Elf inquired. I rolled my eyes and muttered that I could care less as it was the boy's own fault and his leg should fall off or something for his idiotic roamings. After all, what is a mangled hand or black lung here or there when it comes to them?

"But DR Alter...this is a child," The Elf implored. Did he not hear what I think of them--with their germs and tail-pulling, bear hugging ways? "I would imagine that working for you is rather hazardous. The minions injure themselves all of the time. You must have something?"

With thoughts of dealing with The Redhead and her arsenal in my head, I went over to the hostel with the first aid kit the minions cobbled together. I sighed and cursed under my breath that it was The Elf that asked me to help. Hmph. He could probably hear me complaining from sims away with those ears. I had a right mind to just toss the aid kit at them and keep going, but much to their gratitude, I patched the young miscreant up. After a threat, I departed...running right into The Elf upon my leaving. I could see the big smile on his face and scowled.

"Aw, I knew you could never do anything bad!" he said, very much to my chagrin.

I told him to keep an eye on his house...and his hair.

Squiddy Thing Back to "Normal"

I have been watching Squiddy carefully since his recent expulsion of the gent he had digested. It seems to be recovering a bit nicely and has taken to waving about once more.

I should probably set out the ham again, just in case, so that one of the scamps do not end up inside next.

Steam Willard is Out

I set out the larger version of Steam Willard the Rat at the warehouses, which reminds me that I must pay a visit to the live one.

Mmm...Mmm...Good?

While taking my morning stroll around Port Harbor I walked down the the docks near the Navy headquarters and came upon this mother hen and her little chicks. I licked my fangs and thought that chicken would be nice for breakfast. I saw the seals, and considered making short work of the little one, but all of the fat in it probably would just come back to bite me in the end.

Automaton of the Week: 1850 Roullet & Decamps Kitties in a Milk Churn

One is as it should be and the other is unrestored. I don't know which I love more: the fact that this 1850 Roullet & Decamps automaton is of kitties, or the crazy tinkling music...

You Must Be Jesting

Although unusual incidents are not out of the ordinary in my line of work, I felt I had to do something about the gent in my squiddy thing. I most certainly was not going to cut him out of my poor squiddy. I had to come up with a solution that would not harm the creature, so I prepared a laxative elixir in the hopes that the fellow would be expelled. Let us just say that it worked...
Dr Beck came over to retrieve the body for an autopsy and such. I gave him a sample of the elixir just in case it was needed. He seemed a bit surprised at my saying that I was alright with the body staying inside as a warning to everyone else. Folks would definitely pay attention to the VERY LARGE sign then, don't you think?I was tossing some things into the incinerator when I heard news that another body had been found hanged in the mines...with a pamphlet of mine beside it. I mean really, this whole situation is becoming ridiculous. Wait...I have pamphlets?!

Ongoing Investigation

Being a busy feline of science, I do not normally attend town meetings. However, I was there last week given the recent events at the warehouses. I thought that I would come and be among my fellow citizens, do my civic duty, deflect attention...oh, whatever. Let us just say that I do not hoooo. I couldn't have given a Willard's arse about attending under normal circumstances, but I was in the building anyway due to having been brought in for questioning by The Sheriff, with The Elf in attendance...
I've been to many questionings in my life. Many. This was no different, so 'twas a breeze for me. After all, despite my past "misunderstandings" and "accidents", this time I am actually innocent...
Posters have been placed about town with the missing chap on it. Despite the fact that I have been tempted many a time to do so, personally I am offended at the possibility that someone else would use my Squiddy as a human disposal system. My methods of dispatching someone are decidedly less...sloppy. The perpetrator had better hope that the Sheriff finds them before I do. I am going to go and sharpen my claws now...

Automaton of the Week: 1772 French Dulcimer Player

How lovely this one is. 'Twas created in 1772 for Marie Antoinette. Do peruse this aethernet site for more information.

The Mystery of the Squiddy Thing

Upon my return to the warehouse, I found a rather interesting sight. My squiddy thing had mutated yet again, and some poor chap was in its gullet! Normally, the minions and I would "take care" of something like this, but wondering if it was some hapless Steelhead resident who chose to ignore my sign, I contacted the authorities...
Cato and I stood by watching as the Sheriff examined the squiddy thing. Neither he nor The Elf recognized the gentleman and suggested that we put out a poster. Fuzz's concern was that not only had the mutation been triggered, but that perhaps this was no accident. This man was either lured to it or murdered elsewhere and placed there! Only an autopsy could tell and we would have to have one done first. He mentioned something about blood on the property and such, but that is not an abnormal occurrence here. As he was in his lycan form, he stooped to get a closer look, his tail swishing against the ground. It was all that I could do to not to pounce upon it... The Sheriff sniffed the air, trying to catch a scent and to his surprise, he could not. Wolfsbane. "Rather good timing on their part," I said, mentioning the time of year and the heightened superstition among the folks...My property was cordoned off, but due to certain unknowns regarding the squiddy thing's digestive system, the body can not be easily extracted. Of course, as it happened on my property and I seem to have a bit of a "reputation", things seem to be pointing to me right now. I see a questioning in my future. Hmph. I am more discreet than this. If I did this, do you think I would have called them over to come see? Well now Steelhead, it seems we officially have a mystery going on...To follow along or join in the mystery, you can start with The Sheriff's official posting here. This is going to be an interesting month...I can feel it already.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

'Tis the most wonderful time of year...for me, that is. Superstition and fear. Ghouls and monsters prowl the streets. Ahhh...it warms my heart. I thought I'd have a look around Steelhead and found a residual haunting taking place...
The words "Stay Out" have never particularly bothered me...I know an infestation when I see one...But the Elf had the blackest heart of us all...Back at the warehouse, I was having my own problems. Not only had my squiddy thing mutated again, but someone did not read the sign...or did they? I called The Elf and The Sheriff to investigate as something seems rather amiss here--even for me. My poor squiddy thing...
A Happy Halloween to you too?

to be continued...

Spooky Stories in Steelhead

I rather enjoy spooky stories, so I put down my wrench for a moment and left the lab to hear some at the Steelhead Ballroom last night. I rather cackled at Mr Otoole's "dog oil" story by Ambrose Bierce and enjoyed the other readings as well. Alright, back to work for me!

Automaton of the Week: The Workshop of François Junod

Mr. Junod is an artist who creates and restores incredible automatons in his workshop in Switzerland. The following cinema piece is in French, but 'tis worth a watch for the inner workings and the gent at work. I do so love to see the workshops of others...

Thinking

Many of Steelhead's residents were away recently and although I should have taken over the town in a swift, bloodless (or maybe not) coup that could have involved automatons and a touch of chaos, I chose not to. First, because I just don't feel like rebuilding the warehouse quite yet, and second, because I don't feel like The Redhead giving me a reason to rebuild the warehouse quite yet. In the meantime, I walked over to the Town Hall lockup to chat with Willard, who commented upon the fact that I was not knee-high. "'Twas only a choice for convenience to be this form today Rat," I said to him as he squeaked a chuckle. "You know the deal I made." I moved aside some papers and other effects on Fuzz's desk and had a seat as we chatted. Rodentspeak is a much more complex language than it seems at times... I know I have been "quiet" again as of late, as I have had "business" to attend to. After all, one does not get to be the regional head of a shadowy organization by leaving such things undone. The nature of it I shall not go more into it. 'Twas a bit unsavory and a lot uncomfortable for the parties involved. I left Willard to his plate of cheese and rants about traps and headed across the way to the main meeting room. As I perched upon the main podium, I thought "Hmm...I need to have a little chat with Mr Quan." 'Tis a rare thing when I smile.

Evil Tiny Kitty of the Week: Kill Them With Cute

This one is for The Elf, who seems to be under the spell of its cuteness like so many others. Powers like that can not possibly be good!!!!

Thinking About...Abe Van Helsing

This time of the year always make me reflect upon the many unusual creatures and beings I have encountered through the years, not to mention the personalities that seem to obsess a bit about them. Made me think about a colleague of mine, an obscure pathologist chap by the name of Abe Van Helsing. I had him over for a spot of tea and he told me an odd tale of a young socialite woman with a rather unusual condition. Something about bite marks and blood loss. "That is quite a mosquito, sir!" I said. He chuckled, being rather a dry wit, and showed me this picture, saying that he was about to travel to Transylvania to confront this man. "Oh my," I said, "So you are saying that you believe that he has been undead since the 15th century?" He nodded, leaned a little too close to me and asked if I had any advice.

"My advice? Keep on eating all of that garlic you've been consuming lately. That should keep everyone away!"

Automaton of the Week: 19th c. Japanese writing kanji

Fascinating, given its age. Look at its mechanisms. It makes me feel "Ooo.."

My, What Lovely Spinning Gears and Such...

Spinning gears make me happy. Very happy...

A Restorative Soup and a Turkey Flock

I paid a visit to Willard today. After all, I must keep my Rodent language practice going. He squeaked with laughter over a "Steam Willard" winning a trophy in the recent build contest and mused about if he was made of metal and all of the things that he would do. "First of all, I would bet it'd be good at gnawing!" he said. "After all, rats are good at gnawing things!" I groaned...
And for the love of Bastet do not tell Willard about the bowl of rattail soup that I left at The Elf's home. My minions did manage to whip up a pot of it from an old family recipe of mine. It is said to cure all ills--or create new ones. I can not quite remember... I realized that The Elf's garden seemed to be teeming with rather large gobbling turkeys. I cackled a bit as they came closer. Yes, my gobblers...closer...
I thought I'd sit in my chair back at the warehouse and think about my idea a bit more...

I Don't Think This Is a Butterfly...

I caught this while out in the world last night. I thought it was a butterfly at first...

The Elf made me spit it out and it protested so much afterwards, that I gave it to him as a "gift." He said they tend to bite so he put it under a jar.

Oh My...I Have a Trophy

Well now...it seems my chupacabra creature won first place in its category in the Harvest Festival Steampunk Animal building contest in Steelhead...I had a moment to chat with The Elf about it and he was rather pleased with the entries, which I will admit, were rather interesting. The Elf himself has been feeling a bit poorly of late. Perhaps I can get the minions to prepare some rattail soup for him? I promise that it will not have any "extra" ingredients. *coughs*

Surveying the Place

Hmm...I suppose I am getting used to the look of the giant bolt in the front. It adds a certain "flair" to the warehouse.

Mason Labs Destroyed...FINALLY

There...is...a...BOLT...stuck...in...my...warehouse!!! The Elf came over and and we both looked upwards at the large piece sticking out of my smokestack. "That is...massive," he said. "That is one big nut." I must have inherited some of my father's love of crass humor as I could not help but laugh despite the fact that we were standing among rubble. He offered to remove it for me, as it is supposedly "active", but I said to leave it. I am a feline of science and this is a lab and warehouse--not an "oh-so-delightfully pretty" Victorian house...
The last time I saw Mason Labs, it was still intact. I had made a pact with them not to destroy it (or let my minions burn it to the ground) although sorely tempted to do so on many an occasion...
Last night I found it in ruins, the building's remnants smoldering......and its parts strewn across Steelhead Port Harbor from the force of the explosion...The Elf had told me that only the so-called "Jeremiah" had been injured. If he is a Mason as he claims, then he should be fine. Those Masons are quite a resilient lot. I had also inquired as to the canines in Miss Davies' Dog Park across from it. When told that they were fine despite the pieces in their midst, I could only say "Pity." When I went over to see for myself, some ran over to greet me. EW. I feel so dirty now.

19th c. Sewing Automaton

I do so love automatons. This lovely one named Nancy "sews" and was made in the late 19th c. of papier-mache. She was driven by a hand crank under the stage. For those of you who love gears and springs and inner workings as much as I do, peruse the aether site of the UK workshop that restored her. Fantastic work.

A Building Contest

Hmm...it seems Steelhead is having a delightfully twisted take on a state fair blue ribbon contest: A Steampunk Build Contest for livestock, poultry and "other" animals!

I do believe I shall participate. I have until the 23rd to submit my entry. I suppose if others wish to participate as well, they need to let the Elf know before the 18th.

*cackles* Must get to work then! Where's my wrench?

Ask ETK: Love Nips

Dear Evil Tiny Kittty,

Why does Frank nip me when I am minding my own business on the computer?

Signed,
Trying This Again

Dear Trying This Again,

How many times do I have to tell you that this handsome fellow can do no wrong?

Frank, you can nip me instead. Telegraph me.

Your human? Quit writing me already...

If you have any RL kitty questions you would like answered, feel free to send them to me inworld or at malegatto[at]gmail.com and I shall enlighten you a bit from a cat's point of view! I also accept pictures of them to feature as well.

To-Do List

I sat at the warehouse and thought about all of the things on my to-do list:

1. Reprimand minions
2. Use a minion as an example
3. Order new beakers
4. Get the doom ray out of the shop
5. Feed the squiddy thing
6. Write letter of demands to The Elf
7. Threaten my enemies
8. Threaten my friends
9. Assess lair for weaknesses
10. Reprimand minions if weaknesses are found
11. Invent a "fire extinguisher"

An evil genius' work is never done...