A Rather Interesting Rez Day

I ventured out of the Lab to particpate in Steelhead's Holiday Storytelling Festival and perform my "12 Days of Mad Scientist Christmas" to an appreciative audience...
Lest anyone think I am anti-holiday, I rather enjoy the season and the prospect of gifts of fishies, mice, and doom rays. Not to mention sharks in tanks...sharks not in tanks. It warms my heart, but not as much as the coal I seem to receive instead. My Hidden Paw colleague, ChairmanMe Yowman was there, and engaged The BunnyElf in a round of fisticuffs...I attended the dance afterwards with music presenter Diamanda Gustafson, whose snowflakes were in the form of skulls. I was thrilled. She was also wearing a rather interesting hat...I normally do not like dances, but I checked the calendar and realized it was my rez day. Another year of dodging enemies and friends and I am still here to tell the tale!

Willard the Rat: Ruinin' Good Cheese

I went to visit Willard the Rat today. Seems the cell was freshly washed before I came, so I sat down to listen to him. "Do try to not be as longwinded as usual," I said. "The minions get into things when I am away."

His beady eyes glittered a bit before he said, "Aw, shut yer trap cat. I'm not 'longwinded", I've just got plenty to say."

"No doubt about that," I muttered to myself.

"I'm right here, ya know," he said, his little ears twitching. "Anyways, I got a story for you today involving excitement, adventure, and cheese."

"Cheese?," I said, rolling my eyes. "Oh, for Bastet's sake, I should've known."

He laughed his squeaking laugh and continued, ignoring me. "Well, you remember the two guys that I helped escape, right? Turns out they were the McGillicuddy Brothers, outlaws and general public menaces. Of course, I didn't care about all that given that I was fed quite well. All the stuff I could handle. The tall one--Sean--took care of me pretty well. He also usually had to take care of his younger brother Patrick, who was kind of reckless."

"It was kind of an exciting time for a young rat like me. There was something about riding the horses into a new town. Always the same: Folks comin' out and watchin' us go by, the men of the town scowlin' and lookin' like they want to grab their weapons. The sheriff at some point would make sure that we knew he was there. The ladies just looked. Everyone stayed outta our way. Always the same."

"Well, we stopped in this small town and went straight to the lodgings there. The man didn't ask any questions. Just took our money, told us when mealtime was, and handed over our room keys. The lady was a whole other story. Upon seeing me perched on Sean's shoulder she started screamin'. I mean, she would not shut up. Her husband's tryin' to hush her and all, but she wouldn't shut up. She finally calmed down and asked for a moment to freshen up our rooms a bit more. The brothers looked at one another and shrugged. 'Won't be too long,' she said, and hurried off."

"A few minutes later we went on into the room and I started to sniff. The Brothers noticed the cheese first and looked at one another. Patrick went on over and sniffed it and started cussin' in another language. I started to hop down from Sean's shoulder, but realized the cheese smelled a little funny. He held onto me and said, 'Not this time, friend. It's got a l'il extra on it that can kill ya.' I figured out what he meant and it was my turn to start cussin'."

"The Brothers turned right on around and hightailed it outta there. We hopped on their horses and I think it's safe to say they did a bit of damage that night. 'Nobody messes with Willard!' they yelled as they tore through town, leaving a trail of mayhem behind 'em. Darn straight! Ruinin' a good piece of cheese like that!"

Willard looked me square in the eye and said, "Nobody oughtta ruin cheese."

Oh...my...

A Willard Story: Rattus the Wimp & the Chorus Girls

As you all may well know, I pay a weekly visit to Steelhead's most famous rodent, Willard the Jail Rat. Who else knows criminality better than someone used to society's underbelly? Besides, it helps improve my Rodentspeak. He finally told me his two middle names and his last one, but he says he has a reputation to maintain. He has a tendency towards being long-winded, but I threatened him I would bite him if he did that to me again, so he told this one instead:

"Well, there was me 'n' this ol' ship rat named Rattus..." he said.

"Rattus? Well, that's rather original..." I started to say.

"Don't start, ya rude feline, and lemme finish already," he said, his dark beady eyes glaring at me. I raised my paws in resignation.

"Anyways, there was this ol' ship rat named Rattus. He was always talking about how big 'n' bad he was, how the humans didn't scare him at all and how he had no fear. I was practically a pup, off on my first adventure on a clipper. Ahh, it was a rat's life! Gnawing on things, climbin' the ropes, eating hardtack, being out in the fresh salty air, gnawing on things..."

"I do believe you said that already Willard."

He sat up on his haunches and looked at me. "Whaddid I tell ya cat?! You wanna hear this or not?"

"Oh, for God's sakes! FINE!" I started muttering to myself.

"Well, me 'n' Rattus an' some of the other ship rats hopped off when we reached the port and made our way to a dancin' hall, where the humans like watching the female ones in their fancy wear--what there was of it on 'em. It's usually good eatin' for us there. Rattus yells to the rest of us 'Watch this!' and runs out on the stage. The females all start screamin' and runnin' around. We're all laughing until this female comes out with a huge broom. You see his eyes get all scared and he cowers. In a flash, the big'un steps on his tail and starts whacking him with a broom. He's curlin' up a ball screamin' 'Nooo! Ow! OW!" over and over again and the rest of us are on the side laughin' as this big human is whackin' him over and over again. Somehow he gets himself free and runs off to where we are. He's all bruised up and his fur was all roughed, but you know what he said to us?"

"Do I really want to know, Willard?" I said, yawning.

"Yeah, ya do! He ran over to us and said 'I sure showed her!'"

At this, Willard keels over, convulsed with laughter. It took everything I had not to bite him anyway. Rat humor...I swear.

I Supposed I Am Amused...

I do not know how I missed this rather hilarious holiday tale by Miss Rhianon Jameson involving me, but I must admit...she has me pegged rather well--particularly at the end...*chuckles*

I managed to get through the day without threatening a single soul yesterday, although I am a bit disappointed that I did not get my tool set, new doom ray, Tesla coil, shark, giant automaton or catnip mousie.

However, I did find quite a LOT of coal in my bin...